I’ve been writing some pretty serious posts lately. This whole ordeal in Iraq has consumed me so I felt it was a good time to post something a little more light-hearted. This is a repost of a casual argument that I wrote for a college final. Despite the piece being a complete joke, it still got me a 98 for my grade. So here it is, enjoy!
7 December 2008
Butterflies: Mother Nature’s Fist
Through out history there has been much said about the beauty of the butterfly. Such great and awe inspiring writing about the dainty, gentle flutter of their brilliantly colored wings. They are perceived by the mass media as passive creatures who bounce from flower to flower drinking sweet nectar, floating about carefree. What the media leads you to believe is far from the truth. Butterflies are evil insects! They are malicious, malignant, demons of bugs guised by beautiful markings which ride upon their wings like the death they deliver. What the media fails to correspond is that one simple flutter from the wings of these devilish fiends can cause the deaths of thousands of people from the opposite side of the planet. I understand the thoughts racing through your mind right now. I know how farcical such an idea seems, but I assure you of the somber nature of my findings. The information I am about to relate to you is of the utmost importance to the survival of the human race. Butterflies flapping their wings leads to high mortality rates in low income populations because their wings cause storms, because these storms cause hurricanes and tornadoes, and because low income housing cannot withstand such forces.
Everything begins on a warm sunny day in Asia (I would say China in particular, but their communist government would not admit to harboring these murderous creatures). A cool breeze blows westward and somewhere in Asia (China) a butterfly alights upon a flower and begins to ever so gently flap its death fans. If the butterfly times its flutter appropriately in the proper direction of the breeze it causes a stir within the flowing air. This carefully calculated commotion within the breeze causes only minor turbulence as it crosses the Middle East and Eastern Europe, however by the time former breeze reaches the Alps and mixes with the mountain air it picks up condensation and clouds and heads northwest towards England. It is these rainy winds that give Great Britain its famed rainy weather.
Moving on across the Atlantic, our former breeze has now grown into a squall causing turmoil for ships in the open ocean. Many nights go by before the winds reach the half way point across the Atlantic and by now the gravity of the moon at night has caused the waves of the ocean to contribute more turbulent air to the ever growing storm. Finally our storm hits the warm trade winds coming from the Caribbean Sea. Anyone with any knowledge of meteorology knows that when you mix cold air with warm air there’s more than likely going to be troubling weather. Forming now into a hurricane, which will either make land contact and destroy the American coastline, or dissipate at sea into many smaller storms which will eventually make land and grow again under the right conditions into tornadoes. Either way, our former breeze is now a weapon of mass destruction courtesy of Mother Nature. Now comes the part where She does her part in equalizing the balance in the world.
Sociology studies the various trends in human cultures. One of these trends is that the lower income populations tend to bear more children than the higher income populations. This information is shown in an excerpt from Policy Implications of Greenhouse Warming, a book put out by the Washington, D.C. National Academies Press, “Women in very low income economies usually express a desire for large families and thus have little interest in contraception.” Not to mention that since they are in fact low income, they cannot afford stable shelter. They can afford trailers, which wind up in the famous trailer parks of lore, and cheap, government built housing. I believe it was said best by David Russell, author of the book It’s a Disaster: The Money and Politics That Follow Earthquakes, Hurricanes and Other Catastrophic Losses, when he said, “A tornado or hurricane will often move through an area, doing minor damage to frame houses with foundations-and then do major damage to a park full of light and cheaply-assembled mobile homes. It’s not much of an exaggeration to say that a pewter stein is to an aluminum can what a traditional home is to a mobile home.” Under this premise and the sociological ideas associated with lower income populace it would be safe to say that Mother Nature uses these so called disasters to weed out part of the population that is less fit to provide for themselves and their offspring.
Against what Mother Nature wishes to accomplish we need our low income workers because as a capitalist nation we rely on having our fast food served “our way”. Who will flip the flame broiled burgers if not for the low income workers? It would be brutal and devastating to our capitalist society. So part of the human race is supposed to die all because some butterfly, with a taste for blood, decisively flapped its wings and caused an extemporaneous disaster half the planet away? How can we call ourselves humans if we allow this to happen?
Many people will try to refute the evil ways of the butterfly saying that there is no way that such a small creature could cause such a catastrophe. Obviously, these misguided souls do not comprehend the malicious intelligence of this tiny beast. This spiteful sprite calculates its wing flaps, based upon meteorological conditions, for optimum destruction. Like a mad scientist from a comic book, the only ingredient needed to completely personify this hate filled image is an evil laugh.
Amongst the clamor of the butterfly enthusiasts the green, tree hugging hippies will try to pardon the tiny terrorists from taking the blame for the decimation they cause to the low income population. They will try to take the view off of this diminutive monster and place the blame on such things like planes, trains, and automobiles. However, what these dead heads fail to comprehend is while all of our transportation modes cause a stir within the air, they are counter effected by the fact that they are propelling themselves. Aside from this most planes even glide within the air currents that the butterflies help to create, thus lowering the amount of fossil fuels used and the impact of their own air current. The butterfly, though, perches upon a flower, not propelling itself and creates a singularly, aimed push of wind.
I know there are still going to be those of you who don’t believe that this pixie sized beauty can cause such mayhem, but you need to get over your concepts of what you believe to be true. Most of what you know about these pint-sized villains comes from the mass media, which is more often than not wrong. You need to drop all that you assume about butterflies and take a look at what catastrophes they really cause. The tiny terrorists cause more devastation and destruction than Al-Queada did on September 11th. Merely with a flap of their wings, butterflies cause such great natural disasters which in turn cause the deaths of many low income Midwest trailer park families. These wanna-be Shivas cannot go undeterred. I suggest come this next spring, instead of sending money and humanitarian aide to the red cross or overseas, you should make it your mission to kill as many caterpillars and butterflies as you can! Remember, the fate of humanity depends upon the utter destruction of these demons!
Butterflies cause population regulation.
Butterflies’ wings flap causing a stir of air.
This stir of air travels under the right conditions.
The accumulated air causes a front (either being cold or hot dependant upon where the butterflies are located.
This (cold/hot) front meets a front of opposite tempered air. This creates a storm.
The fronts form a tornado
The tornado cuts across a trailer park
The low weight and poor construction of the trailers leads to them being destroyed.
People inside such a poor shelter are destroyed.
People destroyed leads to a lower population.
Panel on policy implications of Greenhouse Warming, Committee on Science, Engineering, and Public Policy, National Academy of Sciences, National Academy of Engineering, Institute of Medicine. Policy Implications of Greenhouse Warming: Mitigation, Adaptation, and the Science Base. Publication: Washington, D.C. National Academies Press, 1992.
Russell, David. It’s a Disaster: The Money and Politics That Follow Earthquakes, Hurricanes and Other Catastrophic Losses. Publication: Los Angeles, CA Silver Lake Publishing, 1999.