Having recently gone to watch the new Godzilla movie… in IMAX 3D… the day before it was officially released… and got the seat that I prefer… (super stoked about all of that if you couldn’t tell) I came to a realization; being in the military has wrecked watching movies for me.
Keep in mind as you read this, I am, and have been since about the age of 5, a Godzilla fan. I’ve been waiting for a new American Godzilla movie since 1998’s bomb (who’s soundtrack was more entertaining than the film itself). So for the event to play out like I described above filled me with childhood glee and giddiness. To watch the big green machine remind humanity of its insignificance in the face of mother nature is pure justice for the train wreck we as a species have inflicted upon this planet. I love the metaphor as much as I love watching the movies for what they are. And there I was about to watch the epic movie for which I had waited 16 years!
I won’t give away anything from the movie that might be a spoiler. I personally don’t care about spoilers, however, I will extend that courtesy to the rest of you who still haven’t seen it. But as I sat there, soaking in all the monstrosity that was before me over the course of two hours, I couldn’t help but notice little things about the military personnel in the movie that made me both laugh and cringe. It goes beyond your standard, “A grenade wouldn’t make a fireball like that!” kind of stuff and I slightly surprised myself with how in depth into this I began to think.
First off, let me start with a part that you can all go check out for yourselves. Here’s a link to the movie clip called “Let Them Fight”:
As you watch this scene, which was taken straight from the movie and slightly cut off before it shows the flying monster, don’t focus on the conversation happening right in front of you, but rather THIS guy…
Seriously, just watch him. Watch him not do a damn thing, but stand there looking dumb. Never-you-mind that everyone has to dodge your big dumb ass on their way to perform tasks to try and help save the city. Forget about the fact that there’s a motherfucking admiral ten feet away from you. Its ok guy, you get your stretches in. Furthermore, why the hell are you the only guy wearing the DAPS? Fucking privates, I swear!
Next up: Godzilla is a big, giant lizard that is getting blasted by naval gunfire and rounds from M1 Abrams tanks. What the fuck did you think you were going to accomplish shooting him with an M4? I assure you, if it got noticed at all, it was no more than annoying, yet these guys continue to do it… the entire time. Dumbasses. Maybe I can hit him in the eye with 5.56 and that will stop him! No, you’re stupid, stop it. Kudos, though, to the guy who busted out the AT-4 for being a little smarter than the rest. Granted, still in effective, but you got the right idea at least.
Even dumber still, are the assholes who HALO jump in. Not for the HALO jump itself, but rather
for the fact that all of these high speed ass clowns wasted time loading up on 5.56 ammo, strapping on pistols, and more useless crap than you can imagine. Hey, guys, I know we’re on a time hack here, but ummm, we need a full combat load of ammo that won’t do a damn thing. Brilliant. And while we’re on them, (limiting what I say here for the sake of spoilers) if you watch the movie just remember they should have brought some sort of hooligan tool, or breach kit of some sort, but instead they chose to lug around pistols. Pistols being EVEN MORE useless against a three hundred foot monster than an M4. I mean, simple weight reduction and mission planning would have made these guys lives a lot simpler, but no, the hard way it is.
If you watched the trailers then its no spoiler that Godzilla lands in Hawaii and later San Francisco after heading that way from Asia. So generally, we’re talking the PACOM area of interest. What units fall under PACOM? 25th ID for starters. Especially since two brigades of 25th ID are on Hawaii, it makes sense to see some guys running around wearing the patch. Excellent covering this guys, glad that they didn’t screw the pooch here. However, seeing these Hawaii guys get on ships, and fly over to San Francisco and go head to head with Godzilla only forced me to stop and think about what the rest of the 25th ID would be doing at the time. Sure the guys in Anchorage were probably flying down there at the time to jump in, and that’s great. Meanwhile, the guys up here in Fairbanks are probably looking more like…
Well shit guys, we were gonna go fight these monster things in California, but… well… none of our strykers work, so yeah.
I mean, the discontent that would be felt up here would be outstanding, as the rest of the division was getting some action and we’d be stuck here looking at snow pile up. To caveat what I said earlier about engaging with tanks, who the hell in 25th ID even had tanks. They’re stryker units down there too, even if they didn’t incorporate that, but even so, they would have MGS’s instead of Abrams. Where the hell did they pull those things out of?
All the while, I’m thinking about this stuff and watching an excellent movie. The movie was so good, in fact, that despite thinking of all of it, it didn’t truly ruin the movie for me. That, in and of itself just tells you how good the movie actually was. They did excellent addressing the idea that there’s going to be a lot of turmoil after the city is wrecked and how much of a disaster it would be. There’s even a little explanation into where the monsters came from and why they naturally want to fight, as opposed to two monsters just happen to stumble into each other and go at it. They were very in depth with this movie, and maybe, just maybe, gave EOD a little credit back to their name after what “The Hurt Locker” did to it. Maybe…